G O D C L U B

The new middle school craze, according to all the major news outlets, is smoking Smartees.



When I was in middle school, one boy always used to snort pixy stix in my art class. He would always try and get me to snort them with him, insisting that they got him high. He wasn't trying to fuck with me, he snorted them himself and I really do think he was convinced he was getting a buzz off of them, but everyone thought he was a total weirdo.

One day on my way to the park I stopped by the candy store and picked up this really expensive powdered candy that I would never normally buy. I felt dirty doing it, but somehow less dirty than pixy stix. Once I got into the park, I went into the playground and sat down on this bridge where no one could see me, and I proceeded to shove my nose into the opening of one of the bottles and inhale. I choked, and I got teary eyed and I coughed for a while and spit up nasty sour snot for like, ten minutes, but I also managed to convince myself that I WAS totally high and felt sneaky, and really cool for doing it. I didn't tell anyone about it for a while because directly after doing it I was totally embarrassed, but in retrospect I'm really glad I can talk about it now.